Ground Control to Major Tom...

You know, it amazes me how moody I can be sometimes. I keep telling everyone, including myself, that I'm this laid-back, unaffected, understanding person, but I'm starting to realize that that's maybe the biggest load of bullshit I've ever spouted.
It's incredible, how sometimes my heart is so full I can't imagine feeling anything else, needing anything else. And then something small, usually undiscernable, whips me back in the other direction like a pendulum, and my heart aches so badly that I don't even know how I'll make it through the day; let alone the week, month, or year. But the world turns, and life goes on, indluding my own. And maybe one day the melodrama I wear like a shroud evaporates like cotton candy in water the next. I can't tell if it's hormones or mental anguish.
Sometimes I feel like taking therapy on was stupid. Like opening the proverbial can of worms, or letting the cat out of the bag. Except that it feels more like a pack of hungry lions than just a little kitty. I'm sick of feeling so off-kilter all the time.
Most of all, I'm sick of the self loathing, doubt, and lack of confidence. How the fuck can I expect to move on and take on the great things of my life if I can't even trust myself to do anything right? If I can't even make a frim decision as to wether I love myself or not?
I don't know. I'm pretty sure as to why I'm pissy, which incidentaly is nobody's fault. Isn't it funny how it never is? But I always walk away feeling cheated and shat-on in these situations since it always feels like win-lose to me. It feels like I always wind up having to shovel out the most effort for the minimal return. Maybe that's why I get so bent out of shape when the opposite happens.
Maybe someday I'll find someone who'll fucking get serious and get over it. And be right here. In all senses of the word. Har. If my relationship record thus far is any indication, I've got a long time in waiting. Ok, I need to shut up before I work myself into a good, irrational lather; my least favorite kind. I really have no reason to be angry, and somehow, that's the most irritating thing about all this. Maybe I should take up boxing. Signing off.